Why am I Still Single?

I can say that I never had a girlfriend. Well, maybe once, I am not sure. But I can assure that most of my life, I am single.

I am 20 now. FYI, in Indonesia, 20-something is the age that you are supposed to settle down and get married, at least for most of Sundanese. Now that I have a job, graduated, and somewhat "mature enough" (which I am not really), I hear -- not listen -- a lot of questions of: Why are you still single? When will you have a girlfriend? Why don't you approach girls and start a relationship?

Well, first of all, I don't really think that romantic relationship is compulsory. I admit that last year experience with a foreign girl was soothing and sweet, but I don't really think that it is obligatory. One cannot be forced to love, and one cannot be forced not to love, I believe. Maybe there will come a time when I fall in love with somebody and start a relationship, but that doesn't mean that it ought to be now. Maybe that time will come in 10, 15 years, who knows?

Then, I am considering myself engaged to languages and linguistics. I enjoy learning languages just like people enjoy dating. I can spend hours (during the weekend) to learn a language. I laugh at silly language jokes (where do the cats go when they die? PURRgatory. donde van los gatos cuando mueren? purGATOrio). I read language-related materials a lot (sometimes even at work). This is what I do for fun. Unless a girl is interested in spending quality time by learning a new script or enhancing vocabularies or creating our own language, I cannot have a real fun with any girl.

Next, I am in love with myself. I spend my time alone so much that I am able to spend my life without anyone. I am an introvert, and for me social contacts are just like virus. I cannot do that too much. Sometimes I am struck by a social anxiety when there is a lot of people, and I know nobody. I just stay in my place, not wanting to make any contacts with anyone. Sometimes I can alter my personality and socialize well, but afterwards I need a long time with myself, reading books and drinking hot tea, or snuggling in my bed under the blanket while watching Friends or The Flash. I am not totally sure if I get an SO we can spend quality time going out, because I always prefer to stay in my place, in my shorts (unless we are travelling somewhere).

After that, I am skeptical toward love. Maybe I am afraid to love and I cannot make a commitment and responsibility terrifies me a lot. But I know I am skeptical in love. I am a 70-something% T (please refer to MBTI test - I am an INTJ), and sometimes I think that I don't have feeling (teu gableg rarasaan, as the Sundanese say). I would prefer my live unaltered by emotions. I prioritize logic to feeling, and I abandon my feeling a lot. So, I am skeptical in love, feeling, and emotion.

I am basically a language nerd with narcissistic feeling towards himself who think that love is not compulsory and even skeptical in it. Yep, that is more or less the reason. 

Craving for Travel

It's been a while since I post in this blog.

To sum up, I graduated in August 2016, and in the same month I began working in a company in Jakarta (maybe I should write about this). After around three months of working, I am craving for travel.

I just want to travel the world, that's it. Now that I have decent jobs with good salary, I really think I can safe money to travel more. BUT I realized that I work. I don't have the time. Even if I go travelling, my salary would be cut (every time  I take a personal leave, including travelling, I have no right to the payment, I don't have PTO slots).

I was planning to have like a 4-days vacation to Ubud in December. But then I had to take IELTS test (I want to study abroad next year) and it costs more or less the same with the budget I expected to go to Ubud. So, I cancel this plan.

I am now planning a "grand trip". Not so grand, I just want to go abroad, all by myself, with my own money, in my 21st Birthday next year. I don't want to celebrate it with my family or friends. I want to celebrate it with myself in some strange lands. I am planning to go to Nepal (I can get the visa on arrival, and I have some friends in Nepal), or if I have more money I would go to Bhutan (It is damn expensive, but I believe it is worthy). Or being strictly religious, I would do an Umrah pilgrimage to Mecca and pray to God, "God, I just want to travel all around the world, admiring your creation, understanding each other, and getting to know myself." People say the prayer in Mecca is always answered, this might worth a shot :p

But really. I want to travel. Working is so tedious. So dull. So banal. So mundane. There is no other words that can describe the habit of working. You go to the same place, meeting the same person, coping with the same problem, doing the same thing, like, everyday! Not that I am not grateful by my job (it's like the best job ever), but still, my mind needs some refreshment.

When you are travelling, there is only a little to expect to be tedious. You go to new places, seeing new things, meeting new people, maybe doing new things, learning something new, all the stuffs! I miss the smile on my face when I landed in a new place, when I see a train in a new city, when I see a new building, stumbling upon a beautiful landmark, getting lost in a city just because of your stupidity, meeting new people, listening their stories, admiring what you see, and stepping your shoes in a brand new place.

I miss that pity laugh I had on myself when I encounter culture shock, I miss that confusion I got when I don't understand a local language (like when in Japan, I bought something in a convenience store, and the cashier mentioned the sum, I have no idea how much does it cost, so I just hand like JPY 1000 so I can simply receive the changes--while actually I got the exact money of what I bought). I miss that happiness when I see a famous landmark by my eyes (the first time I saw the Eiffel tower, I am sure I made a little scream, not believing that I am in Paris). I miss that I tried to communicate using local language, while I don't speak it, and the locals cannot help because they do not speak any other language too (in a local cafe in Tokyo, I asked the waitress, "eigo de hanasemasuka?" 'do you speak English?' and the waitress looked surprised "eigo?!" 'English?!' so I order nothing but tea "ocha onegaishimasu" because I suddenly forgot any other words. Or in a hotel receptionist waiting for my room to be prepared, I need to charge my phone, but I don't know the Japanese for it. So I showed him my phone, charger, and the universal adapter to him and asking, "ii desuka?" 'is it ok?'. Or when I was in Lille, a Turkish Kebab place owner speak no English and little French, it was a total struggle to ask the price. I literally asked him "how much? combien? kiom kostas?" and also in other languages but he doesn't react. I then showed my money to him, and he said something in Turkish, and I make the gesture and face of "I don't udnerstand" and he wrote on his hand "11". After handing the money and receive my kebab, I said, "tesekkur" (thank you), the only Turkish word I know).

See, I really miss travelling. Can somebody be my sponsor for a vacation?